Words of Wisdom from Aunt MSW

Notes: My step-dad's big sister is a social worker. She's also a righteous babe, as are most of the women in my family!

Tina,

We would love to have you and your DS come this weekend. I look forward to a visit to the Please Touch Museum. Your step-dad would be pleased that we could hug you and DS in his absence. I get home by 4:30 so I would be here if you wanted to leave after the hearing and beat most of rush hour - or get here when you can.

I hope that this separation is for far more than a week. This was not a "time out" to give each of you some space - you got an Order of Protection because you felt emotionally and physically unsafe. I have to say that your mother in law IS FULL OF SHIT. As you identified you may need to change some of your ways of doing things - reactions to Mr. S etc. - but Mr. S's response to stress - is not about what is going on in his job, about cleaning the house, buying a home and moving, the plumbing or your failure to do WHATEVER - it is about what is going on inside of him - his need for perfection – for himself and the world around him. In my business we call it Irrational Thinking - because it is not doable - life and people are messy – and perfection in yourself or others is not possible. And your in-laws probably bear the greatest responsibility for Mr. S's need for control and perfection in himself and others. He never could - nor will he ever satisfy them.

Change is scary and I understand how hard that is for Mr. S but he can make the changes needed to live a meaningful life. He has such a wonderful heart - and loves Your DS so much - that no matter what happens for your marriage he needs to get help to be the father Your DS needs and deserves. But that means some very hard work - confronting the past pain and abuse in therapy - acting responsibly about mental health medications which could support his efforts - and facing the fact that alcohol as self medication is a disaster for him. He has not been able to do this so far with the distractions you and Your DS provide. But currently his life is unmanageable and he needs to do more than say the right things to alter that. You need to see those changes are occurring for a long enough period of time to feel assured that you and Your DS will be safe - emotionally and physically - before you choose to live with Mr. S again. That is going to take some months, not a few weeks.

So there is my "sermon" of the day.

Love

Aunt MSW