Balance

To balance the List of Cruelties:

I love it when you

• come up behind me and hug me while acting all silly like you're actually trying to get something from the kitchen cabinet
• say thank you for taking care of DS
• call me sweetheart or honey
• admit that you're struggling with effective communication and will sometimes fail
• Laugh at our kid
• Crack a joke about yourself and the difficulties you're having
• hoover down the dinner I made
  

Good Morning Together

This morning, whilst getting DS ready for his day, Mr S says to me that he's got some stuff to say based on yesterday's therapy with Saul. I'm all ears, I say.

He tells me that he and Saul have had a pretty good session wherein Mr S identified some of the dynamics that go on while he and I are having conversations. When I speak about my needs, Mr S hears (sometimes, not all) the Monster-in-Law demanding immediate attention for her needs. Like a flashback. MIL's statements of need are demands for immediate gratification, there's no room for negotiation, compromise or any of that jolly stuff. Mr S's response to MIL is to either 1) fight back or 2) immediately acquiesce. So, when I speak my needs I will often get one of those responses. This leaves out the whole negotiation and compromise thing. Mr S's world, when he's responding to me as if I'm the Monster-in-Law, is that there's no possibility that his needs can even be conceptualized, much less considered or met.

Makes the give and take of a grown up relationship difficult.

He will sometimes use "brain fog" as a defense mechanism to escape dealing with MIL's demands. Brain fog leads to depression.

He wanted to make sure that I understood this dynamic and that I know that he's got a pretty good understanding of it himself. I'm pretty pleased with his sharing of this information and the way that he shared it and the fact that we had another pretty content-rich conversation without yelling and screaming at each other. Always a good thing.

He also wanted me to know that he had the thought getting ready this morning that he sure is glad that DS and I are home now. AND he made sure to tell me that he had that thought.

It's good to hear one's appreciated and wanted and welcomed.

Changing

From what I can tell, DS and I have moved back home with Mr S.

Mr S's doctor confirms the existence of a small ("incidental") cyst in his brain, but it's apparently too small to be causing the problems that he's having. She gave him two muscle relaxants for the headache pain. This confirms my theory that all medical doctors are idiots. I have only met one who wasn't, and he was a chiropractor. Stick with nurse-practioners, people, you'll be much better off.

I digress.

Mr S and I have had some really good, really difficult conversations. We've cleared the air some, laid groundwork for continuing to improve our relationship in the future, and made some tentative agreements about sharing the workload around the house a little more equitably.

I made dinner last night from Rachel Ray's book 365 No Repeats. Pretty good stuff.

Positive Sign of Progress: Mr S called me from work last night as he was running late and we negotiated, like a couple of adults, about when he would come home and eat dinner. Amazing how that works, huh? We'll have to see if we can both keep it up.

Now all I have to do is find a babysitter for this Saturday morning so we can have therapy.

Symptoms List

If this cranio thing is real, check out this list of symptoms.

It's like they've been in my house... The whole behavioral thing freaks me out.

Update from Mr S on the CT scan of his Brain

In the big tub of mail I picked up yesterday there was a referral from my primary care physician for an MRI because the CT scan showed a small cyst in the posterior fossa region of my arachnoid tissue. The MRI order is for a “Differentiation b/w craniopharyngioma”.

Meninges: Three distinct connective tissue membranes called meninges (dura, arachnoid, and pia mater ),enclose and protect the central nervous system.

Arachnoid: Internal to the dura mater is a thin meninge called arachnoid mater. The arachnoid space is a relatively large space that contains the cerebrospinal fluid. That membrane is called arachnoid because the cobweblike trabeculae crossing the subarachnoid to become continuous with the pia mater.

Craniopharyngioma is a histologically benign, extra-axial, slow-growing tumor that predominately involves the sella and suprasellar space. Despite its histologic appearance, craniopharyngiomas occasionally behave like malignant tumors, they can metastasize, and patients can have severe symptoms that usually require surgery and/or radiation therapy.

Clinical Details: Arachnoid cysts often are an incidental finding on imaging, and patients usually are asymptomatic even if the cyst is quite large. The most common associated clinical features include headache, calvarial bulging, intracranial hypertension, craniomegaly, developmental delay, visual loss, precocious puberty, and seizures, with focal neurologic signs occurring less frequently.[Note from Tina: Mr S has most certainly been experiencing an uptick in headaches and vision problems.] Arachnoid cysts are known to rupture into the subdural space or undergo intracystic hemorrhage. MRI is the diagnostic procedure of choice because of its ability to demonstrate the exact location, extent, and relationship of the arachnoid cyst to the spinal cord. http://www.emedicine.com/RADIO/topic48.htm

“The posterior fossa is a common site of benign intracranial cysts.”

Intracranial arachnoid cysts: treatment alternatives and outcome in a series of 25 patients

His Therapist

Saul, Mr S's therapist, will only see us one time together. That makes sense to me. He can't mess with his relationship with Mr S. We'll have to find a new male marriage counselor, although Mr S said two nights ago that he's willing to try and mend his fences with our existing therapist. I'm not sure I want that distraction. It might be easier to try and bring someone new up to speed.

The List of Cruelties

It’s cruel when you:

• Call me any name other than “sweetie” “love” or, to DS, “Mommie”
• Tell me that you don’t like me
• Wonder how you’re going to teach DS not to hate me
• Blame me for DS’s fussing or crying
• Fail to touch me for days on end
• Refuse to make love with me
• Blame me for failing to meet expectations you do not express aloud
• Tell me that I’m bizarre, weird, an idiot, stupid or disgusting
• Practice “guerilla art” (as you call it) on me
• Express your anger in destructive ways
• Engage in escalation techniques that you think are obviously ridiculous
• Undermine my authority as DS’s mommie
• Neglect to tell me that I look pretty occasionally
• Don’t flirt with me

Weekend Apart

I had a board of directors meeting in lovely Charleston SC and so Mr S and DS hung out for the weekend. Unfortunately for Mr S, he's in the public accounting world and this is tax season. DS spent his Saturday morning with our lovely friend M.

DS managed to miss naps on both Saturday and Sunday and not get to bed on Saturday until nearly 11:00pm. His daddy's not keen on struggling with him when he gets his 2 year old attitude going. His mommie, on the other hand, doesn't let his 2 year old attitude get in her way that much. He's gonna cry if he doesn't get his way. Yep, indeed he will. But he has to go to bed and he has to take a nap and he has to eat regular. He's 2. He doesn't know what's good for him, that's why he's got a mommie and a daddy. We're supposed to know that crap. Needless to say, when I got home, Little Mister Man got his bottom fed, dumped in the tub, and taken to bed early. Daddy collapsed right next to him. It was cute.

So... Mr S and I had a long and difficult night together this past Thursday. We put the cat down. She was 18 years old, starting to have problems and we simply couldn't afford either the financial or the emotional costs of stepping up her care. We both cried a lot. We had some really good and really difficult conversations. I'm supposed to make a list of "what's cruel" for Mr S to use in moderating his future behavior. That's a difficult assignment because I know it when I see it. He seems to be past his initial rage at me for moving us out. That's good.

He also didn't drink any booze last night. That's also good. I think that's having a good effect on him.

More Words from Aunt MSW

Good grief - enough to make YOU crazy. With my Social Work hat on I would wonder whether Mr S is taking his MH meds at all - or taking them as he wants to rather than how they are prescribed - or is drinking the cause of the rapid swing. He does not need to appear intoxicated (as he was when you moved) to be drinking enough to have an impact. The mood swings are pretty extreme - in just a matter of hours from one end of the spectrum to the other and both Sunday and Tuesday/Wednesday.

I find it fascinating that Mr S would even consider letting you near his therapist - with the chance that the "poor misunderstood Mr S" that he may present would become a little less real. And where is that therapist anyway? Mr S' behavior has becomes more and more irrational and the mood swings more extreme. Has Saul (his therapist) not noticed - or been concerned about the problems this may pose for Mr S in the "real world". Glad Saul can "manage" him - but he does not live with Mr S. The 50 minute hour is not "real world". Sorry my bias is showing.

If you were to continue therapy as a couple - finding another therapist - maybe a male - could be a good move. The very best therapist may not be the right match for lots of reasons.

I hope you have gone ahead with your effort to consult an attorney about a legal separation. Mr S is a loooooooong way from being stable. You and DS need a stable plan given that you need to see evidence over time – and that is months - to see whether Mr S can do what he needs to do to stabilize his mental health.