Balance

To balance the List of Cruelties:

I love it when you

• come up behind me and hug me while acting all silly like you're actually trying to get something from the kitchen cabinet
• say thank you for taking care of DS
• call me sweetheart or honey
• admit that you're struggling with effective communication and will sometimes fail
• Laugh at our kid
• Crack a joke about yourself and the difficulties you're having
• hoover down the dinner I made
  

Good Morning Together

This morning, whilst getting DS ready for his day, Mr S says to me that he's got some stuff to say based on yesterday's therapy with Saul. I'm all ears, I say.

He tells me that he and Saul have had a pretty good session wherein Mr S identified some of the dynamics that go on while he and I are having conversations. When I speak about my needs, Mr S hears (sometimes, not all) the Monster-in-Law demanding immediate attention for her needs. Like a flashback. MIL's statements of need are demands for immediate gratification, there's no room for negotiation, compromise or any of that jolly stuff. Mr S's response to MIL is to either 1) fight back or 2) immediately acquiesce. So, when I speak my needs I will often get one of those responses. This leaves out the whole negotiation and compromise thing. Mr S's world, when he's responding to me as if I'm the Monster-in-Law, is that there's no possibility that his needs can even be conceptualized, much less considered or met.

Makes the give and take of a grown up relationship difficult.

He will sometimes use "brain fog" as a defense mechanism to escape dealing with MIL's demands. Brain fog leads to depression.

He wanted to make sure that I understood this dynamic and that I know that he's got a pretty good understanding of it himself. I'm pretty pleased with his sharing of this information and the way that he shared it and the fact that we had another pretty content-rich conversation without yelling and screaming at each other. Always a good thing.

He also wanted me to know that he had the thought getting ready this morning that he sure is glad that DS and I are home now. AND he made sure to tell me that he had that thought.

It's good to hear one's appreciated and wanted and welcomed.

Changing

From what I can tell, DS and I have moved back home with Mr S.

Mr S's doctor confirms the existence of a small ("incidental") cyst in his brain, but it's apparently too small to be causing the problems that he's having. She gave him two muscle relaxants for the headache pain. This confirms my theory that all medical doctors are idiots. I have only met one who wasn't, and he was a chiropractor. Stick with nurse-practioners, people, you'll be much better off.

I digress.

Mr S and I have had some really good, really difficult conversations. We've cleared the air some, laid groundwork for continuing to improve our relationship in the future, and made some tentative agreements about sharing the workload around the house a little more equitably.

I made dinner last night from Rachel Ray's book 365 No Repeats. Pretty good stuff.

Positive Sign of Progress: Mr S called me from work last night as he was running late and we negotiated, like a couple of adults, about when he would come home and eat dinner. Amazing how that works, huh? We'll have to see if we can both keep it up.

Now all I have to do is find a babysitter for this Saturday morning so we can have therapy.

Symptoms List

If this cranio thing is real, check out this list of symptoms.

It's like they've been in my house... The whole behavioral thing freaks me out.

Update from Mr S on the CT scan of his Brain

In the big tub of mail I picked up yesterday there was a referral from my primary care physician for an MRI because the CT scan showed a small cyst in the posterior fossa region of my arachnoid tissue. The MRI order is for a “Differentiation b/w craniopharyngioma”.

Meninges: Three distinct connective tissue membranes called meninges (dura, arachnoid, and pia mater ),enclose and protect the central nervous system.

Arachnoid: Internal to the dura mater is a thin meninge called arachnoid mater. The arachnoid space is a relatively large space that contains the cerebrospinal fluid. That membrane is called arachnoid because the cobweblike trabeculae crossing the subarachnoid to become continuous with the pia mater.

Craniopharyngioma is a histologically benign, extra-axial, slow-growing tumor that predominately involves the sella and suprasellar space. Despite its histologic appearance, craniopharyngiomas occasionally behave like malignant tumors, they can metastasize, and patients can have severe symptoms that usually require surgery and/or radiation therapy.

Clinical Details: Arachnoid cysts often are an incidental finding on imaging, and patients usually are asymptomatic even if the cyst is quite large. The most common associated clinical features include headache, calvarial bulging, intracranial hypertension, craniomegaly, developmental delay, visual loss, precocious puberty, and seizures, with focal neurologic signs occurring less frequently.[Note from Tina: Mr S has most certainly been experiencing an uptick in headaches and vision problems.] Arachnoid cysts are known to rupture into the subdural space or undergo intracystic hemorrhage. MRI is the diagnostic procedure of choice because of its ability to demonstrate the exact location, extent, and relationship of the arachnoid cyst to the spinal cord. http://www.emedicine.com/RADIO/topic48.htm

“The posterior fossa is a common site of benign intracranial cysts.”

Intracranial arachnoid cysts: treatment alternatives and outcome in a series of 25 patients

His Therapist

Saul, Mr S's therapist, will only see us one time together. That makes sense to me. He can't mess with his relationship with Mr S. We'll have to find a new male marriage counselor, although Mr S said two nights ago that he's willing to try and mend his fences with our existing therapist. I'm not sure I want that distraction. It might be easier to try and bring someone new up to speed.

The List of Cruelties

It’s cruel when you:

• Call me any name other than “sweetie” “love” or, to DS, “Mommie”
• Tell me that you don’t like me
• Wonder how you’re going to teach DS not to hate me
• Blame me for DS’s fussing or crying
• Fail to touch me for days on end
• Refuse to make love with me
• Blame me for failing to meet expectations you do not express aloud
• Tell me that I’m bizarre, weird, an idiot, stupid or disgusting
• Practice “guerilla art” (as you call it) on me
• Express your anger in destructive ways
• Engage in escalation techniques that you think are obviously ridiculous
• Undermine my authority as DS’s mommie
• Neglect to tell me that I look pretty occasionally
• Don’t flirt with me

Weekend Apart

I had a board of directors meeting in lovely Charleston SC and so Mr S and DS hung out for the weekend. Unfortunately for Mr S, he's in the public accounting world and this is tax season. DS spent his Saturday morning with our lovely friend M.

DS managed to miss naps on both Saturday and Sunday and not get to bed on Saturday until nearly 11:00pm. His daddy's not keen on struggling with him when he gets his 2 year old attitude going. His mommie, on the other hand, doesn't let his 2 year old attitude get in her way that much. He's gonna cry if he doesn't get his way. Yep, indeed he will. But he has to go to bed and he has to take a nap and he has to eat regular. He's 2. He doesn't know what's good for him, that's why he's got a mommie and a daddy. We're supposed to know that crap. Needless to say, when I got home, Little Mister Man got his bottom fed, dumped in the tub, and taken to bed early. Daddy collapsed right next to him. It was cute.

So... Mr S and I had a long and difficult night together this past Thursday. We put the cat down. She was 18 years old, starting to have problems and we simply couldn't afford either the financial or the emotional costs of stepping up her care. We both cried a lot. We had some really good and really difficult conversations. I'm supposed to make a list of "what's cruel" for Mr S to use in moderating his future behavior. That's a difficult assignment because I know it when I see it. He seems to be past his initial rage at me for moving us out. That's good.

He also didn't drink any booze last night. That's also good. I think that's having a good effect on him.

More Words from Aunt MSW

Good grief - enough to make YOU crazy. With my Social Work hat on I would wonder whether Mr S is taking his MH meds at all - or taking them as he wants to rather than how they are prescribed - or is drinking the cause of the rapid swing. He does not need to appear intoxicated (as he was when you moved) to be drinking enough to have an impact. The mood swings are pretty extreme - in just a matter of hours from one end of the spectrum to the other and both Sunday and Tuesday/Wednesday.

I find it fascinating that Mr S would even consider letting you near his therapist - with the chance that the "poor misunderstood Mr S" that he may present would become a little less real. And where is that therapist anyway? Mr S' behavior has becomes more and more irrational and the mood swings more extreme. Has Saul (his therapist) not noticed - or been concerned about the problems this may pose for Mr S in the "real world". Glad Saul can "manage" him - but he does not live with Mr S. The 50 minute hour is not "real world". Sorry my bias is showing.

If you were to continue therapy as a couple - finding another therapist - maybe a male - could be a good move. The very best therapist may not be the right match for lots of reasons.

I hope you have gone ahead with your effort to consult an attorney about a legal separation. Mr S is a loooooooong way from being stable. You and DS need a stable plan given that you need to see evidence over time – and that is months - to see whether Mr S can do what he needs to do to stabilize his mental health.

So Confused...

Talking with Mr S on the phone... He's obviously much more in control of himself because he's at work. We're talking about business stuff: changing DS's daycare, taking the cat to the vet, my next business trip. We're considering switching therapists to a male therapist instead of a female one. His therapist can "handle" him with a look. I wish I could bottle that and use it as a spray whenever I need it.

Slogging on.

More Words of Wisdom from Aunt MSW

At least twice a day at the housing unit at the prison where I work I say (with all the inmates) the Serenity Prayer. It is very much a part of the 12 step AA/NA tradition but I have always felt it speaks to all of us. It is by Reinhold Niebuhr, a Presbyterian theologian. In case you don't really know it - here it is.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

It may be time to end the marital counseling sessions - at least for now - with the hope that they might resume at some future point. Mr S is saying he will not commit himself any longer - unless you do what he wants - and you could benefit from a therapist who will help you deal
with what you are feeling, and the actions you are needing to take. Didn't you have a therapist in the area that you saw many years ago? Is that someone who was helpful and you could go back to? Or maybe your marriage counselor could recommend someone.

Therapy Last Night Did NOT Go Well

Mr S is very, very, very angry and has moved away from the space wherein he understood, or at least modified his behavior in response to, my fears about his anger. Now, if I take the Monster-in-Law's advice, I have to ignore about 85% of what he said last night because it was said during that rage. In that case, all we pretty much said was hello and our next appointment will be in a week.

If not, he wants us to move home before he will continue with too many more therapy sessions. He doesn't feel that he can express himself (he described it as dramatically) in our sessions because of my reactions. He's angry with me about so many things that he can't even figure out where to begin. He's angry because he's not seeing DS enough. He does appreciate being alone. Likes seeing DS but not me. (Dude, we're a package deal, get over it.)

I asked him to explain why he wants me to move home if he doesn't like me. No good answer. I want to know what will change once I move home to make sure that my feelings are respected. I guess I'll save that question for our next session.

A really big question

I asked GF this morning how one decides that The Relationship is over. She got very thoughtful.

One doesn't decide that a relationship is over, she theorized, one simply realizes it.

Pondering...

Update and Sadness

On Friday afternoon, I went to meet Mr S at court to have the protective order lifted. He was so very happy to see me. Locked me into the best hug we've had in months, kissing and crying. We went through the court motions, got the protective order dismissed and then went to have the best conversation that we've had in months - if not years.

He talked about how he's working on everything: the obsessive-compulsive behavior, he's practicing letting go of anger, he's working on the house and likes the house now (instead of hating it all the time), he's unpacking... The list went on and on. He said all the right things.

It was splendid. I went to Philly to my Aunt MSW and Uncle's place with a song in my heart. Yes, this was going to be a struggle, but there was hope. We could reconcile. I even called him on Friday night to let him know that we'd gotten to the house ok.

Please Touch museum was splendid, highly recommended for toddlers up through probably age 6.

Sunday morning I call and "warn" him that DS is going to want to cling to him like velcro because they haven't seen each other since last Friday morning. Mr S says great, he's ready.

We leave and head home.

Mr S and I talk, he says I'll get Indian food, call when you get to a particular exit. I say ok and do. We talk about stuff that needs to be done, including putting down our 18 year old pussy cat that's sounding worse and worse. I'm prevaricating a little, because I want to be all celebratory and not so businessy yet. My mistake.

We get to the house before he did, he shows up shortly thereafter with the food. I'm trying to be all happy, let he and DS have time, get the plates together, get dinner served, all that. DS is just as interested in checking out his car as he is in hugging his father. Give him a break- he's 2. So we're going on and on.

Mr S seems a little under the weather, complains about chest congestion. I'm trying to be supportive, sympathetic, all that. He also lets me know that he's angry about our conversation about the cat - how I stick him with all the sh*t work. Ahh, well, and there goes the evening. All down hill from there.

We have therapy tomorrow night. I'm picking DS up from daycare tonight.

I'm very sad that we had such an argument. It seems like we're right back where we were. He's really upset that we're apart, because he says that we can't solve anything away from each other. My theory is that we're not solving a whole hell of a lot together, either! And this way at least I'm not subjected to a nightly barrage of hate and discontent.

Words of Wisdom from Aunt MSW

Notes: My step-dad's big sister is a social worker. She's also a righteous babe, as are most of the women in my family!

Tina,

We would love to have you and your DS come this weekend. I look forward to a visit to the Please Touch Museum. Your step-dad would be pleased that we could hug you and DS in his absence. I get home by 4:30 so I would be here if you wanted to leave after the hearing and beat most of rush hour - or get here when you can.

I hope that this separation is for far more than a week. This was not a "time out" to give each of you some space - you got an Order of Protection because you felt emotionally and physically unsafe. I have to say that your mother in law IS FULL OF SHIT. As you identified you may need to change some of your ways of doing things - reactions to Mr. S etc. - but Mr. S's response to stress - is not about what is going on in his job, about cleaning the house, buying a home and moving, the plumbing or your failure to do WHATEVER - it is about what is going on inside of him - his need for perfection – for himself and the world around him. In my business we call it Irrational Thinking - because it is not doable - life and people are messy – and perfection in yourself or others is not possible. And your in-laws probably bear the greatest responsibility for Mr. S's need for control and perfection in himself and others. He never could - nor will he ever satisfy them.

Change is scary and I understand how hard that is for Mr. S but he can make the changes needed to live a meaningful life. He has such a wonderful heart - and loves Your DS so much - that no matter what happens for your marriage he needs to get help to be the father Your DS needs and deserves. But that means some very hard work - confronting the past pain and abuse in therapy - acting responsibly about mental health medications which could support his efforts - and facing the fact that alcohol as self medication is a disaster for him. He has not been able to do this so far with the distractions you and Your DS provide. But currently his life is unmanageable and he needs to do more than say the right things to alter that. You need to see those changes are occurring for a long enough period of time to feel assured that you and Your DS will be safe - emotionally and physically - before you choose to live with Mr. S again. That is going to take some months, not a few weeks.

So there is my "sermon" of the day.

Love

Aunt MSW

Random Note

When the Sherriff served the papers on Mr S on Monday morning, he packed up a couple of things and went to the house we used to live in where Mr S's brother lives. Mr S's parents own the house. Dorkus, the brother, is living there now. Anyway. After the deputy called and left me a message that Mr S had been served, and I could return to the house, I called the sherriff back and said, no, that's not right, Mr S does NOT have to leave the house because I did. So, the deputy calls Mr S back and tells him, sorry, we screwed up and you can go home.

In the mean time, Mr S goes to the house his parents own where Dorkus is staying. I call Dorkus on Monday morning, saying please call Mr S and tell him that he can indeed go home. Dorkus calls the Mother In Law instead. He told me that she said that Mr S is not allowed to stay there.

I'm floored. That can't be right. What mother would put her son out of her house when he needs her help?

I called them. It IS right. She doesn't want him living there because, while we were living there, we didn't take such immaculate care of the place, and now that it's being renovated for sale, he can't go back because it might get messed up again.

The woman's a beast. Should have been sterilized at birth. Hasn't a maternal bone in her entire body. Do you people wonder why my husband's so freaking messed up?!?! This monster raised him. She's been rechristened to Monster In Law for the purposes of this blog.

I can understand being concerned that the house might get messed up, but for crying out loud, woman, this is your son! Isn't he more important than some stupid carpet?

Burgeoning Hope

Here's some good news! My friend M spoke to Mr. Supportive and learned that he's missing me and DS, but is feeling much more at peace because he's had some seriously quality alone time.

I'm doing a serious happy dance! There's hope! There's hope!

This is not to say that I think that DS and I should move home this weekend, because I don't think that 's the case at all. Not even a little bit, in fact. There's still a lot more work to be done and I think it needs to be done separately. I'm still hurting, Mr S is still hurting. Apart time - allowing me to be seriously WITH people and him to be seriously alone, is doing us a good turn.

Oh thank heavens, I think that this might actually have a chance of working out for the better. Pray for us!